I just voted in Alaska, and who was looking over my shoulder as I cast my vote for Obama? A dead polar bear hanging on the wall behind my voting booth. The slaughtered endangered species was flanked by an entire wall of mountain goat heads. Typical Alaska. At least there weren’t any lines! GO OBAMA!
Archive for the ‘humor’ Category
This is priceless. A Montreal comedy duo spoke to Palin on the phonepretending to be French President Sarkosy. I particularly love how they egg her on about hunting from helicopters and “taking life” for fun. She of course invites the President to go hunting with her. She also thanks him when he praises the porn film “Nailin’ Palin” – she’s so stupid! Listen to the audioclip of the Palin prank by clicking here.
Todd Palin spoke to Pennsylvania hunters sportsmen at a gun club on Oct. 19th. He told the gun lovers that it is important to vote for a ticket that “supports our core values — hunting and fishing.” This is what I’ve been talking about – in Alaska, hunting is a core value that defines identity, and now apparently patriotism and being a “real” American. Forget Democracy, forget freedom, forget liberty, fuck the land of opportunity or the separation of church from state, or freedom of speach – no, hunting and fishing are the core values of our country.
God bless our constitutional right to shoot wolves for fun! Our founding fathers built this fine country on the need to stock our homes with fresh game meat. And we better start rootin’ out those Markist* bastard socialist maggots before they threaten the foundation of this nation – salmon fillets. Thanks Todd, for the enlightening commentary.
* one of my hate e-mails really got me laughing. The Sarah Palin supporter called me a tree hugging “markist”.
It has been interesting, as an Alaskan resident, to see the pre-debate commentary floating around. I find the headlines warning of Palin’s debate talents laughable, and I just want to assure everyone – DON’T WORRY. Palin really doesn’t know anything. She really is an empty vessel. She isn’t fumbling because McCain has been keeping her from being herself. She isn’t incoherent because she has been trying too hard to use sound bites. She is fumbling and incoherent because she really knows nothing. As my husband says, there’s only so much information you can cram into a completely empty head.
Yes, Palin is choking on her force fed sound bites like Mary-Kate Olsen in anorexia rehab. But even if in desperation the McCain camp lets her “be herself” this will be even worse than her befuddled mumblings. Because Sarah Palin is a hick! She’s as cogent as a hooker at a truck stop. Palin speaking as Palin would involve 101 recipes for freshly clubbed seal oil, tips on how to properly store automatic weapons in a root cellar, or how to tell the difference between the severed leg of a Siberian husky and a wolf. Trust me, the best thing that could happen to the Obama campaign would be to set Palin loose as the real Palin. Yeah, Mathew McConaughy’s brother Rooster (who legally named his son “Miller-Lite”) and the Left Behind book club will love her, but that’s about it. Trust me. So pop the popcorn, grab the twizzlers and look forward to the debate.
Everyone agrees – Tina Fey nails Governor Palin’s accent. But the real funny thing is no one in Alaska talks like Sarah Palin! In fact, Alaskans in my opinion are curiously without an accent. Sarah Palin has developed her very own, unique, red-neck meets Fargo North Dakota accent. I swear, no one in Alaska talks like that! Sure, you run into the occasional Alaskan who (like some southerners) never speaks in the past tense, but overall Alaskans have pretty good grammar, and have a neutral, flat speaking voice. Palin’s propensity for poor grammar and talking like a hick isn’t regional but just a reflection on her ignorance and lack of education.
Welcome to Alaska, there’s a sale on “youth rifles”! Nothing like killing animals to help with childhood development, it really gets ’em primed for date rape once they hit puberty. I snapped a few pictures around town because I’ve gotten several emails from Alaskans telling me that they have lived here for 20+ years and NEVER seen anything like what I’ve written about on this blog. Hmm, maybe these folks were born without, say, eyes?
I didn’t have to go further than my local drug store to get pictures of piles of guns that would make David Koresh drool, or to see a dead animal head mounted on a wall. Just today I wandered into a local brewery for the first time and was greeted at the door by a stuffed grizzly, murdered and forced to spend eternity wearing a macrame beret with a dusty bouquet of dried roses jammed in his mouth.
You will be hard pressed to find a shop in Alaska that doesn’t sell fur like wolf pelts, fox tails and bear skin rugs. Fur can be purchased nearly everywhere – from gift shops to gas stations. Stacks of wolf pelts as tall as my waist sit on the floor of nearly every tourist gift shop.
Animal parts such as walrus ivory, moose antlers, whale bones, bear claws, sheep horns and of course fur are used to make most “Alaskan art” and souvenirs. I even saw a fur jock strap hanging in a store window in Sitka, Alaska. It was really depressing walking around Sitka, everywhere I turned there were fur stores, every lobby had a stuffed dead animal, and I even looked up and saw two polar bear hides drying on someone’s balcony. Most Alaskans wear some sort of fur, and fur stores are located in nearly every Alaskan town, especially where cruise ships dock.
Alaskans are probably the only US citizens who can physically show you more than one way to skin a cat. Most Alaskan children learn how to shoot squirrels before they learn how to tie their shoes. Shooting animals for fun is the number one past time in Alaska. Alaskans always need an excuse to go out in nature, and shooting animals is the number one reason they spend time in the great outdoors. The hunting culture is a “way of life” that is viciously defended by most Alaskans. Sport hunting is a great excuse to have lots of guns, which means there are lots of guns in Alaska being used against women in domestic violence situations. No wonder Alaska has twice the violent crime rate as the rest of the US.
Sport hunting of predators is especially damaging because predator species do not have the reproductive capacity to recover from predation by humans. Bears take 3-5 years to raise one or two cubs – since bears are meant to be at the top of the food chain. Even prey species like moose are struggling due to sport hunting in Alaska.
* I draw a clear distinction between sport hunting (hunting for pleasure) and subsistence hunting (hunting for food). I believe that subsistence hunting is less cruel to animals than commercial agricultural practices.